


Weird short stories

by Melleniaofwaiting



Series: What am I doing with my life? [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Dark Humor, Gen, Humor, I just realised I wrote swearing in my work, I'm Bad At Tagging, Randomness, Short Stories, Stupidity, Swearing, The author should really get more sleep., Weird, Weird short stories, When nothing makes sense, but just a little bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 10:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19990873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melleniaofwaiting/pseuds/Melleniaofwaiting
Summary: This is a book full of random and weird short stories to make you question your sanity, choke on your own spit from laughter, all whilst crying your eyes out at the sheer stupidity and misfortune of the characters.Enjoy!Ps. Open to any prompts or ideas you want me to write.





	1. The poor farmer

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I have no idea.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The average day of a South-African farmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm open to prompts. This chapter is just a weird thingy out of my weird imagination.

Once upon a time, there was a South African farmer named Karl.  
He was a very handsome man with blue eyes and strawberry blond hair. He had a daughter named Carla.  
Karl wasn't very rich but he was happy.  
One day as Karl was walking through his field of veggies, he suddenly tripped and landed face-first in a cabbage.  
"Damn it!" He exclaimed.  
He stood up and looked at down at what had made him trip.  
It was his most prised vegetable! It was a giant grey carrot with purple stripes. He crouched down to get a better look at it.  
It had nibble marks littering it all over.  
What could have done this to his favorite carrot?  
He blindly reached over to his right and plucked out a white carrot with green spots and bit into it.  
Eating carrots helped him think.  
He came to a decision.  
He would hunt the fiend who dared nibble on his carrot!  
He stood up with a determined huff.  
He followed a trail of eaten veggies until he came to a hole.  
He peered down the hole.  
Ah-ha! There the little bugger was!  
He grabbed as fast as lightning to a tail and started pulling.  
He pulled and pulled when suddenly-  
"Holy shit!" He shouted as he let go and jumped a foot away.  
It was a giant molerat!  
He was about to run away when he saw a carrot laying innocently a few feet away from him. Anger filled him. What if this horrible creature ate his daughter?  
He gathered his courage and grabbed the two giant samurai swords that he had strapped to his back. ( He use them to scare away the boys who wanted to marry his daughter.)  
He held them tightly in his hands before he attacked the giant molerat.  
It was an epic battle but sadly the molerat lost to the awesome power of the SA farmer.  
Karl then used his two swords and skinned the animal.  
Later that day he sold the skin and gained ten thousand zillion rand.  
Even later that day, he was happily riding the family unicorn, Brenda. He was about to go and pick up his daughter, Carla, from school.  
"How was your day dad?" She asked him as she got on the ten thousand horsepower unicorn.  
"It was fine. I planted almost a hundred tomatoes. Yours?" He asked.  
"Okay. Today we learned about how some factories dumped waste into rivers and that sometimes animals drink from these rivers. Did you know that most of these animals die from the radiation but sometimes they mutate? That's a very scary thought." She said.  
"That's interesting." He said.  
"Dad."  
"Yeah?"  
"What's for dinner?"  
"Molerat stew, kiddo."


	2. Tears on a rock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our hero must solve a riddle but no one seems to be able to help him.

The day started out just like any other, the world was spinning on its axis and the morning was grey when John woke up. He slowly got out of bed and went to sit outside to watch the sunrise when his older sister, Calishiamara came up to him and asked,  
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"  
and then walked away to go bother someone with her existence.  
Not knowing what the answer was, he decided to go ask his mother what the answer was after he finished his morning chores, which included cleaning the pig den, milked the cows and denied the existence of the color pink 15 times. He was confident his mother knew the answer, after all, she knew everything, for example, that time he made the barn explode because he farted next to a barrel of highly flammable liquid after he ate a pot full of his mother's super spicy chili fish.  
After he finished and cleaned up, he went to the kitchen where his mother was angrily cutting up vegetables and asked her,   
"Mother, How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"  
She stopped cutting and turned to him with a concerned expression.  
"Child what have you bee smoking? Go ask your father."  
And proceeded to continue her murderous chopping.  
John found his father working in the garage. He was busy fixing his tractor, his one true love, not the evil hag in the kitchen who tried to chop his balls of every now and then.  
"Father, How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"  
"Go ask your mother."  
"Mother said to ask you."  
"You're sure she didn't ask you to ask your grandfather?" He asked with a sigh.  
"He's been dead for over two years."  
"Fuck.... Go ask your grandmother."  
With a sigh, John started the trek up the mountain, where his Grammie lived at the topmost peak. After a long and exhausting trek, he finally reached her cabin. It was a charming thing, made of oak.  
He knocked on the door before entering, a precaution after he found her naked after she had a shower and forgot her towel. He found her sitting by the fire knitting a scarf for him. Grandma lily always liked when he visited as she didn't get much company high up in the mountain.  
He kneeled beside her armchair and asked her softly.  
"Grammy, How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"  
"Oh, that's easy! The answer is..." she fell asleep as she was talking.  
"Grandma, wake up! What is the answer?" He said as he shook her lightly to wake her up.  
Sadly his grandma had died in the seconds it had taken her fall into an eternal sleep. Broken-hearted he walked out of her home after he had thrown a blanket over her dead corpse and sat on a boulder and whispered to himself, the words traveling with the wind to every country on earth.  
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"   
He burst out in tears, unaware of the burning cabin behind him. The blanket had caught fire.


End file.
